Married Man

I haven’t written anything in a few weeks.  That’s because I’ve been a little busy and I was seeing someone.  That someone told me he was married last night.

I’m consider myself to be sharp woman.  But I had no clue that this guy was married.  While we’ve only seem each other  five times in the last month, we have talked a lot.  Most of our conversations were at night.  I don’t how he did it unless he would wait until she went to bed or he snuck out of the house.  It was cliche conversation when he told.  “My wife and I have grown apart,”  he said.  “We haven’t had sex in months.”   He and I haven’t had sex if you’re wondering.  He told me that’s why he came clean.  He said a divorce between them is immanent.

I had a guy lie to me in the past about being married and I got rid of him immediately.  That relationship was more of a physical nature.  It’s different with this guy.  I actually like him.  We have chemistry together.  I told him that I can’t see him anymore.  He said he understands but that he would still like to stay in touch with me until he gets a divorce.  He assured me that he will be getting a divorce.  I told him I would rather not have any contact until he got a divorce.

I’m conflicted on this one.  If he gets a divorce, I think it would be very hard for me to trust him.  But as I said, I did like him and get along with him.  He didn’t try to have sex with me right away.  For some reason that is sticking out in my mind to have some compassion for him.  But that could be anything.  Maybe he doesn’t have a high sex drive.  Should that play a part in my decision anyway?  He hasn’t contacted me yet.  But I want to be prepared when and if he does.  I don’t know what to do.  Should I stay in touch with him if he contacts me or should I just write him off and try not to think about him again?  Has anyone been in this situation before?

 

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Healthy Relationships

I was thinking at lunch today about how being in a healthy relationship is like finding a needle in a haystack, literally. It is so rare nowadays, with so many people breaking up and hopping from one relationship to another that it makes you wonder what’s the point to even being in a relationship. You start thinking to yourself this is not a person I would want to spend the rest of my life with, then the dreadful arguments begin.  The funny thing is, a lot of people think arguments and stress in a relationship are normal.  That blows my mind.  If that’s the case, how can we determine whether or not we are in an unhealthy relationship?

I made a list of things that I would want in partner so I would know it’s a healthy relationship.

Trust and Honesty

Support

Good Communication

Respect

Intimacy

Enjoying Each Other’s Company

I feel dejected after reading this list.  It seems like a tall order to find.  Did I leave anything out?

Having No Expectations Or Am I Just Cynical

I read a blog post on a great blog last week regarding having sex early in a relationship at mylifeisdrama.wordpress.com (Hope it’s okay to promote your blog;)  I should have written this post sooner because now I don’t remember why I connected that post to having expectations in a relationship.  I’m going to give it a shot tonight before I completely forget what I wanted to write about.

Anyway, what I think it was is when I was younger before I was married, I would make men wait to have sex with me.  I felt if a guy waited for me, he respected me and was obviously into me enough that he would wait.  But now, post divorce, I don’t really make a guy wait.  Now I’m spreadin em for every guy I meet.  But sometimes a girl just needs some lovin.  

I think part of the reason I changed was I stopped having expectations with guys, especially guys I met online.  I kept setting myself up for disaster because I would meet a guy and think he’s great and that he would fall into the fantasy that I thought he would be.  And I would always be let down.  It came to a point where I threw that fantasy out the window and started taking guys at face value and took each phone call and then date and then the date after that as it’s own entity.  And making a guy wait for sex also went out the window because there were let downs there as well.  Sex isn’t everything to me.  But it is something.  And I want to know early on if there is some compatibility in that area as well.  Yes, I know the sex gets better.  That’s why I give early poor performers a second and sometimes a third chance;)  But it’s still early enough in a relationship that I’m not super attached.  But my feeling is (and some of my guy coworkers have confirmed this) if A guy likes you and enjoys your company and you sleep with him a few dates in, that he will still want to see you if he actually likes you and is looking for a relationship.  (I just wanted to get that last line in there.)

That was a lot and I hope it made sense.  (Drinking wine makes me whine.)  I am liking the parenthesis tonight.  I wonder sometimes if the downside to that is that I’m ruining it for the girl that still wants to make a guy wait.  I believe it to be true that guys surf online dating sites looking for the women that might sleep with them on the first or second date.  And they can sense who that type of girl is.  So they will pass over the good girl for that type of girl.  And I guess sometimes I’m that type of girl.  So I’m contributing to the problem.  

I also wonder sometimes if me not having expectations is me being cynical because since I take most guys at face value to start, I assume that they’re just looking for sex or probably full of shit and BS.  Then if they’re not, it’s like, “Hey, I met a good guy.”  And if they are BS sex shit crazies, then I don’t say anything because that’s what I figured it would be and on to the next one!

Any thoughts… or concerns:)

I Said, Something

I broached the kissing issue with the bad kisser.  It didn’t go quite as I planned.  

We sat down on his couch and started kissing and he got all stiff on me.  Not down there.  His tongue.  I lightly pulled back and said that I wanted to talk to him about something.  There was an awkward pause because I still didn’t know how to say that he is a bad kisser in a nice way.  Longer pause.  He said, “Say something.”  “Something,” I said.  Awkward pause again.  And then I asked if he could just loosen his tongue up a little when he kissed.  I asked if he could do it a little softer and gentler.  He asked if he was bad kisser.  I said no.  Our techniques and styles are different.  He said he would try to take it easier with his tongue.

He did try.  But it made it even worse because, and I don’t know if this will even make sense, but someone trying to kiss is worse than someone being a bad kisser.  Uhhhhgggggg!  

I have been told there is power in words.  Here goes nothing.  I want a man who can kiss, has a personality, is intelligent, and knows how to push my sex buttons! 

 

 

What Do You Do With A Bad Kisser?

Hello all or all that follow me.  I haven’t written anything in a while.  But tonight I need a small nugget of advice.  

ImageI’ve gone on a few dates with a guy whose company I really enjoy.  He’s handsome, smart, and one of the worst kissers I’ve ever met.  His tongue is so stiff and it gets that way as soon as we start kissing.  (I hope his you know what gets that way too:)  But I don’t know if I’ll ever find out because I don’t know if I can continue seeing him.  I need a good kisser.  That’s the start.  That’s what gets me going.

Should I say something to him about it?  Should I make some suggestions on how he might do it a little better…slower…with a more relaxed tongue?  

 

 

“Winks”

Who else thinks “winks” on dating sites are ridiculous?  What about all the other gimmicks sites use to enable people to not send an email because they think a “wink” or whatever else might garner a response.

Image

I think if dating sites are going to provide us with a “wink” option, then they should also provide us a “middle finger” option.  So when a guy sends me a derogatory email, I can give him the finger.

How Do I Deal With This Type Of Person

I seem to attract self-centered people as friends. I tend to be a very good listener and polite (even when I don’t feel like it) because I know what it’s like to not be heard. Growing up with a mother with some degree of narcissism has a lot to do with that.

For instance, I have a co-worker who basically verbally vomits at me every morning. I hate to sound so crass but it is what it is. She clearly looks disinterested when she isn’t the center of attention, with me or anyone else. It’s annoying. One would never guess she’s actually 32yo. If you call her out on her behavior, she cries or otherwise loses her grip. I’ve never called her out but have felt like it. However, others have and the results are not pretty. 

Another example is email. I know a couple people who will initiate email with me and in the past I have replied. Now I just don’t feel like it. Reason being is they will type out a long email describing a situation or wondering what to do about a problem. After I reply, nothing…..I may not write a response as long as theirs but I do respond in a normal fashion. It makes me end up feeling like my co-worker’s behavior tends to, like a sounding board or just the wall…as though the person (me) doesn’t matter, just that they are talking.

I know I’m not perfect either but this self-centeredness issue irks me more and more. It’s not as though I want the conversation to be about me, not at all. But it’s pretty easy to spot those who don’t pay attention, are always thinking of the next thing they are going to say, or are clearly bored when the spotlight’s not on them.

Any ideas on how to deal with this kind of thing, especially when it’s a co-worker? I don’t want to alienate her as we do work together.  I don’t think my she’s a narcissist, but who knows, I’m not a psychiatrist either. But extreme self-centeredness, even if it isn’t related to narcissism somehow, does seem to reek a bit. 

2 Inches

Long story short, I meet up with a guy earlier tonight from OKCupid for drinks.  He was a cute guy and seemed intelligent.  His profile said he was 6′ tall.  I’m 5’8 and I normally like a man to be taller than I am.  Just my preference.  But I liked this guy and we had a good conversation on the phone.

I showed up wearing 2 inch heeled sandals.  I was two inches taller than he was, which would make him 5’8.  We have some small talk.  Then I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to make sure.  There’s his profile with 6′.  I go back out and ask him how tall he was and he said 5’9.  I pulled out my phone with his profile and showed it to him.  He embarrassingly smiled.  Then I said are you really 5’9?  He embarrassingly smiled again.  5’8 he said.  

I asked why he lied on his profile.  He layed a heavy guilt trip on me culminated with he liked women taller than he was and it was hard for him to meet them.  It was sad and pathetic at the same time.  I wanted to storm out of there because not only did he lie from the start, but he was shorter than me!  I felt bad for him.  So I stayed.  

When were leaving, he asked if he could see me again.  I told him no and he should know why.  He said it’s only two inches and he would be fine if I wore heelless shoes all the time.  I told him size matters to me and I’m not talking about what’s in your pants.  I kissed him on the cheek and was on my way.